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Thursday, October 11, 2012

Miss Hoor e Pakistan 2000

(orig. published at in response to mannyd's comment in 2000 - still relevant)

It is obvious you are not privy to happenings there. The beauty contests in Pakistan are the best kept secrets outside of why some of the nuclear arsenal is placed in the Rann of Kutch and Abdul Qadeer Khan's old girl friend was from the wrong side of Kargil. You don't think we were just plain stupid to occupy those heights last year for nothing, do you? Here is how it goes:

The yearly winner is called Miss Hoor (---------) sort of your equivalent of Miss Houston or Miss Mississauga. They are selected on an yearly basis in the month of Shawwal, following the Eid ul Fitr. But unlike Miss Houston, who represents the city, these Miss Hoors represent more than a city in Pakistan. They represent a whole different way of living and some say 'killing.'

The Jamiat-e-Ahl-e-Sunnat have their own Miss Hoor 2000: just as Jamiat-e-Ahl-e-Sunnat-wal-Hadis have their own: just as Tehrik-e-Jafriya have their own: just as Sipah-e-Sahabah have their own: just as PPP has their own (and no! it is not Miss Beyzameer! they actually elect a new one every year); just as PML has their own: just as Harkat maiN Barkat has their own: just as Jamaat-e-Islami has their own: even Jamiat-e-Tulubaa has their own.

Around the same time in Pakistan, remember I told you it is the month of Shawwal? The one that follows Ramadaan Eid -- the one where butchery is not ordained or advised! Oh as I was informing you, around the same time in Pakistan, Shawwal, see you remember, even the Indians in Pakistan are caught up in the fervour and general festivities in the air. The Indians in their fortified, debugged Embassy in Islamabad select their own pretty face for innocence, freshness, and youth, they dub her Miss Raw.

Then there is a competition between these misses' mothers for the most sought after title of Miss Umm-ul-Hoor. Some cynics call her Bibi Hawwa. Understandably, your Miss Raw is not allowed to participate in either of the contests.

The Miss Hoor competition is quite unlike what you must be familiar with.

The misses and near misses are judged on the following criteria:

1: Best qir'aat (recitation) of Surah Yasin while standing. And Du'a -e-Qunoot while sitting. It has to be from memory. Unlike regular school examinations and tests, cheating is not officially sanctioned. No looking at the palms or hands while reciting. The judges, (beards and stern deprived looks a must,) only tolerate cheating when numbers are involved. Big numbers.

2: They have to recite the full linkages up to each narrator's grandfather for any of the 144 hadiths, picked out of a huge replica pugree. (Naturally the stern faced deprived judges get to select these hadiths.)

3: In smaller cities, there is a water drawing competition. Fastest bucket out of the well is the winner. Seiko is the official sponsor of this event.

4: In the cities the competitors have to display their agility by climbing on a moving bus that is traveling at no more than 15 MPH. This segment is usually pre-taped. Just for this event burqah is shed and contestants are allowed to wear modest shalwar kameez and dupatta. Oh yes, even shalwar kameez can be provocative. Have you seen some of them in the Indian movies?

Contestant are judged on:

--ease of movement
--number of attempts
--weight carried.

5: Expressive eyes. This is how stern faced beards get to within breathing distance of contestants. With their eyes, sans any make up, remember we are still in the Islamic something or the other of Pakistan, the contestants have to instantly emote with their expressive eyes:

---Qari Abdul Basit Mohammed Abdul Samad's renditon of "Fabay aiyyah aalaahey tukazzubann"
---Ayub Khan --- "Hum so crore Pakistani jin kay dil....."
---Mullah Omar from his convocation address to the Kinnaird College.
---say "ji nahi, shukria" and "abhi nahi, baad maiN" in response to being offered tea twice, without even a slight movement of the head. (Please wipe that incredulous look from your brows. The utterances do not imply what you thought they implied.)
6: Posture

(a) Walking:

---with 10 kgs of books in a knapsack
---with a crying brat with running nose, weighing approx. 10 kgs, straddling the waist, covering at least 20 meters. (Actually the program reads, 'maasoom bachchay ko goad maiN laiker bees qad'm chalna.' The crying comes from stage fright. And the running nose because of all that crying and mishandling by the contestants.

(b) Posture:

--- Normal -- as in somebody a hundred yards away trying (and failing) to stop a Kalshnikov bullet
--- Shocked -- as the person standing next to you suddenly drops dead. Innalillah-e-wa.........
--- Stunned -- as you discover that euphoric feeling caused by a sudden trauma as the body adjust to having allowed the said Kalashnikov bullet to violate your body.

And for the last five finalists:

7: Speech:

(a) recite some lines from selected Na'ats

(b) extempore answers for questions pulled from a green pugree.

Sample questions:

---how would you say no to someone who does not take no for an answer
---dissuade husband from marrying again
---dissuade your best friend from marrying your husband
---at 35,000 flying between Karachi and Sharm-el-Sheikh, you are in Darul Harb or Darul Islam?
---Should a jaw be given full funeral rites?

Now where was I? Oh yes, the winner of these Miss Hoor 2000 contests gets a bouquet of flower and a kiss on the cheek by the judges. And if you believe me you are as gullible as I am.

Seriously, you know, cheek is one part of the anatomy (lips the other) that we Pakistanis do not kiss in public!

We kiss hands, usually the back of the hands of senile elders and pirs and the cavities enslaved by the other cheeks, of those in power, in public. (Apologize for the inherent complexity of this sentence.)

Now you lost me again, where was I? Oh yes, The mother of the winner of Miss Hoor 2000 is automatically entered in the Miss Umm-ul-Hoor contest.

For a mirage of reasons, including building codes, audience, judge and participants safety the maximum tonnage allowed is 500 lb.

One of the senior judges, known by his initials RAT is a fan of singing sensation Abida Khanum and wants her to participate in the next Miss Umm-ul-Hoor contest. Abida politely declined. (She is single.) RAT offered to visit Quetta on a government jet and bring back a daughter for her. Wisely, Abida has declined again.

If you have any further questions that would establish peace between us, please feel free..........


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