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Saturday, November 13, 2010

Dear Allah

[Caveat: Not for the humour impaired]

Dear Allah:

Bismillah Ar Rehman Ar Rahim

We begin in Your name - You are Most Beneficent and Most Merciful. You do not appear to be the betting kind, but if You were You could bet we are counting on that. Now that it is out of the way, Dear Allah, looking around all the mayhem and fasad brought about in your name we are wondering if we could wonder aloud and perhaps not question your motives and timings but ask a few well-meant questions about them.

Since You are Omnipotent and all powerful why did You not delay Muhammed's arrival till the dawn of the internet era? Or alternatively, brought this era forward by 1500 years skipping Gutenberg and Galileo altogether?

Had there been the Internet then, citizen bloggers would have noted and debated all of Muhammed's moves as well as that of his companions and their successors and shared his Sunnah with others for eternity safe and sound, protected and documented instead of allowing the hindsight of the well-meaning 'believers'. And why haven't You made rules to safeguard the hadiths if we were supposed to follow You and Your messenger and instead allowed the likes of Abu Hurraira to put words in Your messenger's mouth. Ayesha's birth would have been documented, and the entire mess about her age at the wedding would not have occurred and we would have avoided child-brides and kid-weddings. Warraq and Pipes et al would have had more time for leisure activities.

Bukhari, Muslim and Tirmizi would have had to find alternate careers perhaps in micro documenting? Abu Hureira would not have the universal Rent-a-Hadith franchise.

But we are getting ahead of ourselves. We are mortals at Your mercy, O Allah.

Since Muslims are supposed to be so caring of everyone around them, we are sure the new Muslim would be environmentally the greenest of people inhabiting Your world, turning the rest greener with envy. They would conserve, re-use, recycle and use biodegradable products.

Muhammed could have been happy with one wife or two (after the first one passes away, if you deem so) like most of us are, or pretend to.

He could have bought an online Last Will and Testament Kit for $19.95 (with money back guarantee) and this would have satisfied everyone and not caused a schism in Islam.

And You could have let Muhammed communicate in English understood all over the world. If he had set the tone in English, the jaahil Mullahs would have learned English too and just by that effort be less jaahil and more abreast of science and technology and what is happening all over the modern world? And with Muhammed speaking in English you would have to place him somewhere other than Arabia. Which is not a bad thing come to think about it.

And why not elaborate on the fact that You created us in a perfect form so as not to allow anyone to mess up this perfection by performing FGM and the likes?

You could have cleared up the controversy between au natural, one piece, two piece bathing suits and the burquinis. And while at it cleared the veil issue and settled the controversies between headscarf, veil and one-woman-mobile-tent.

O Allah, we mean no disrespect, but You say Your words are valid for all communities at all times, yet between us Muslims we have ceased to be able to understand one another or communicate meaningfully. Between Bin Laden, Qutb and Mawdudi on one side and Rushdie, Manji, Hirsi Ali on the other, with all shades in between, who speaks the truth? And why should we need interpreters in the first place?

Merciful Allah, You have created us as different tribes so we can get to know and understand one another, appreciate our differences, and learn from each other, yet we are missing the complete edited and revised Islamic dictionary. Couldn't You have helped out a little bit?
yours bowingly,
t and tbs
[all indiscretions and aspersions cast on the living and the dead are the other collaborator's fault – signed t and tbs]


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